Jumping off half-cocked and veiled criticism.

Not the best day, I'm afraid.

I will admit that I am an impulsive person. I'm guessing that there are people who would say that's an understatement. My first impulse is often to respond immediately to whatever is said or written, with the first interpretation that crosses my mind. I am aware of this problem and I am working on it, I really am.

All that being said, although I am a very intuitive person by nature, there are instances where I don't immediately recognize veiled criticism. I am an honest, upfront person who basically lives by the "say what you mean, and mean what you say" principle. I generally don't engage in cryptic exchanges with people, although there are certain individuals that I know that seem to insist on such things....and I figure if they're going to play cagey with me, I can play along. Where problems lie, however, is in the interpretation. If a person cannot bring themselves to just SAY what it is they want to say, they are leaving me to interpret whatever it is, and since there is so much that factors in to the interpretation of a given comment, it is not hard to get it wrong.

What I WISH for.....is honesty. If there's something that you want to say to me, then by all means SAY IT. If you can go to all the trouble to find a roundabout, cryptic way to criticize something I might have said, or a choice that I might have made......then I think you can just tell me directly. Am I right? I mean, you already SAID something. If you truly wanted to just keep it to yourself then you wouldn't have said something. See what I mean?

I have nothing at all against constructive criticism. I strive to improve myself and my education all the time. Criticism is a part of this process. If you have something to say that could help me with this improvement, then by all means, spill it. If you just want to be a dick, well then--that's counterproductive and not only do I not need to hear it, but you just reduced yourself by behaving in that manner.

Sometimes we must censor our exchanges due to venue. Understood. But then again the possibility exists to change the venue.

Just because I might follow another person's lead in the course of an exchange, does not mean that I am afraid to be honest myself. I have no qualms whatsoever telling you whatever it is you may want to know. If you are unsure about my position on an issue or my intentions in a given situation, I would be more than happy to clarify. I feel compelled, however, to add the caveat "be careful what you wish for." You may just find that I understand a whole lot more than you may think.

‪While my guitar gently weeps‬ - Prince (guitar) - HQ

It doesn't matter how many times I've watched this--goosebumps. Any Beatles fan who watched them in the 60s should be astounded by the mirror image that is Dhani Harrison. But honestly--the big story here is Prince. I've had a serious crush on this guy for 30 years. What I wouldn't do for that man........oh my. This is amazing, and he is truly in a very elite league.

This so perfectly sums up my feelings on this subject. I also think that anyone who says they don't feel even a twinge of sadness at the idea that they might never connect romantically with a soul mate, is lying to themselves.

Unrestful feeling......a quandary.

What do you do, when you feel an ongoing sense of unrest?
Is it the sign of some kind of midlife crisis?

Or....is it more a matter of me just discovering, more and more, the path which I prefer to take with my life?

I am going to admit it here and now......something is missing from my life. Maybe a lot of "somethings", I don't know. What I DO know is, I am quite unfulfilled. The biggest problem, though, is that I don't entirely know why, which leads me to believe that it is not a single issue that makes me feel this way but rather a combination of several things.

I do find myself making a lot of compromises, but I guess I've just been telling myself that this is merely a season in my life. My kids are still at home, and they are at that young-teenager stage. Many things that I would like to do are on the back burner as I navigate the seas of parenthood. It's the season, right? What's that phrase....."this too shall pass"? That phrase is thrown around an awful lot in the "mommy circles" of social networking. "This too shall pass", and then one day the kids will be grown, at which time I am free to pursue all of those things I have been longing for. But nobody tells you how to deal with the sad, empty feeling, or the feeling that you almost want to cry because of all the things you could be doing--instead of being trapped in your own little family portrait hell. No one cares that I want to go to the East Coast, or to Hawaii, or to travel the world, for that matter. No one cares that I want to learn new languages, see new things, meet new people. I read copiously, and my family scoffs at me. This, in turn, frustrates me because more than anything, I want them to expand their world too. I want to visit historic places. I want to climb mountains. I want to walk on beaches--and beaches are my favorite place. I want to go to ball games. I want to sail on lakes and oceans. No one within my little nuclear family has any interest in doing any of these things, so if I am going to rely on them--it will never happen. No, these are things that I must do myself. It would be nice to share such great experiences with someone....but what do you do when no one wants to?

Do you give up?

I cannot accept that.

I am most certainly not one to throw myself a pity party, and I definitely don't want nor need anyone's sympathy. I have spent my entire life taking care of business and handling my own problems and it's not going to stop anytime soon--but I will admit that every once in awhile, it can be cathartic to get these things off your chest.

And now I return you to more worthwhile blog postings. Carry on.

Hindsight

We all know the saying--that hindsight is 20/20.
We also know that hindsight is often associated with regret.

Most of us find that the regret we feel, is of the "damn-it-I-wish-I-had-not-done-that" variety. We get caught up in the moment, and the next thing you know, you've made an ass of yourself, somehow. It's happened to me...but I personally find that my biggest regret, in hindsight, is not recognizing that something I truly wanted was actually happening. And since I did not recognize it (because I was caught up in my own behavior, sad but true) I never got a chance to revel in it, and treasure those moments for what they were. So while it is not lost on me that, once upon a time, I had a real chance at something I spent many hours dreaming about--the reality is that I missed an opportunity.

So, really.....hindsight could be considered a consequence of your own narcissism. A particularly cruel punishment it is, when it allows you to clearly see the happiness you missed by not checking yourself, as it were....coupled with the heartbreak of knowing that you can never go back in time and make it right.

You can always go forward and try to right things from there, but it is infinitely harder.